Marriage is hard

OK - so how hard is this supposed to be? I feel like I don't have any say in how my household is run. Any suggestions (read: presumption) that I have for making the house more liveable is greeted with shrugs and "So?" and "And you want me to pay for what?"

I mean, when one gets married, one has a few preconceived notions that a) You will have at least one couch, b) there will be some sort of window covering so people can't see your husband walking around naked in the house and c) if there is a LARGE difference in the pay of the husband and wife - the one with the most money pays for the large purchases (read: said couch).

So, my husband pays for the mortgage, the insurance, the food, his car (2 year old Infiniti) and any technical things he wants to buy (read: computer every 3 years - of which I don't have one). I pay for anything I buy: quilting stuff, any and all gifts for friends and family and to keep my 12 year old car running.

As you can see, his income is much, much more than mine. When I point this out to him, he points out that with an engineering degree I can get a better job. OOOKKKAAAAYY - now that my engineering degree is about hmmmm 9 years out of date, what kind of job does he think I will be able to get? Head Engineer of a department? No. Let's try - Secretary of department under some schmuck (like my LAST job!) I look at what is out there and realize what I have is much easier to deal with than trying to find something else from scratch...

Besides, what does he think I am going to do when I become pregnant? Does he think that a brand new job at which I have not proven myself will want me to come back? My present boss has already asked that I DO come back if I go off to have a kid.

It all comes back to what I want and how to get there. I want to walk into my house and not see how bare it is. I want to have some floor and window coverings that match with colors on the walls. I want to sit on a couch and curl up with a book in my own living room. I want to have patio furniture for 6 so I can have friends over. After 18 months in this house, I want not to be embarrassed when people need to use the bathroom UPSTAIRS because there is a bed stuck in the hallway to the downstairs bathroom. I want to have a housewarming party and my birthday party in my own house.

I want to have a partner that thinks of me and what I want instead of what he wants - ALL the time! When he does think of what I want and insists that we do what I want - it makes me want to think of him and what he wants and there is balance! When he doesn't - I try but all I want to do is scream and tear out my hair and call him selfish! I am tired of being angry all the time - at him, at myself for not having enough courage, at life in general.

So, the question now is how do I get there. I mean, really, what do I do now? Do I really have to do all these things myself? I want to have a partner dammit! I want to have someone who understands how important all this is to me without my telling them over and over and over and over and over again. Is it just courage - do I just lack the courage to tell him that sometimes I just HATE him for being successful and not sharing as much as I ask him to? What is the deal? What is so wrong with us? Help!